hassexinthetitle | It's been awhile since I couldn't look at myself straight

It's been awhile since I couldn't look at myself straight

AU: After the 74th Hunger Games, Peeta agrees to become a Capitol slave in exchange for Katniss’s life.
I twist and turn in my bed as visions flash before my eyes and slither deep into my mind, breathing poison from the deepest corners of my imagination. It’s one of those nights, where nightmares refuse to leave me alone, where one simple thought, of home, of her, too deeply rooted in my heart to ever be shaken, keeps me away from sleep. That’s how I know I’ll never let go.
It’s been a year, now. A year since I sold my soul to the devil to save her.
The Capitol is my home, and District 12 nothing more than a distant memory – at least that’s what they keep telling me. But the truth is, the more time I spend here the more disgusted I am, and I find myself wanting to smash the cultivated ignorance and the elaborately designed cruelty that animate their eyes. Every day, I’m ordered to smile and to please, to repeat all the pretty little words they taught me to recite. I’m forbidden to paint, but it’s probably for the best. At one point, the world’s horror becomes enough; you don’t need to paint it, you don’t even need to remember it. It is enough.
I haven’t talked to Katniss in over a year. I know she sent me letters, but I never got to read them. Some nights, I lay awake, trying to remember everything I can about her, her smell, the color of her eyes, the way she felt in my arms. And when I fail to recollect the memories, I simply imagine what her life might be like back home. And sometimes, I find myself wondering if she ever thinks of me. If she ever catches glimpses of me on TV. If she ever searches for them. I’d like to tell her, I’d like her very much to know, that I may walk among them, but I’m not one of them. They can keep me here, they can dress me the way they want and dye my hair the color they desire, they can sell my body to the highest bidder, but I’ll never be a piece in their games.
‘We have a deal you and I, remember?’ President Snow’s voice echoes in my head, and in the fragile moonlight, I make a solemn promise. Oh, not aloud. There is no wind to hear, carry and bear words so heavy with hate. But in my silent own lone way, I swear. I will kill you.

Credit for this AU goes to this post

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

It had been five years.

Five year of coming, and not winning, and going home, and wanting to die, all over again. Of nightmares, and no one there, and secretly passing coded messages this way and that with Haymitch and Gale and all the other contacts as they formed this rebellious little network.

Five years of going to the Capitol and pretending she wasn't looking for anyone particular, and always saying if she did see him, this time she would say something, do something, make him regret ever leaving with the right smile or right turn of phrase.

Five year of quietly excusing herself and hiding until Effie or Haymitch came to gather her after the party whenever she did.

She stayed close to Haymitch, a drink in her hand. Effie had scoped out this party for ~~Katniss~~them and delivered a guest list, and Katniss was feeling relaxed enough to actually be useful for flirting and schmoozing with potential sponsors.

Five years. Five years of playing their games, and following their rules. Five years of slowly watching her fall apart. He was slowly breaking down, not so slowly anymore. All he could do was watch her crumble, and not do anything about it. Per his "Agreement" with Snow he couldn't talk to her, not even when they were mentoring.

Now here he was last minute at this party with a lady that couldn't keep her hands to herself in place of Finnick Odair because he was "under the weather." That really meant that she was outbid and Peeta was her consolation prize. Where was his consolation?

Currently she was in the corner of the room laughing with some men. It was a fake laugh, Peeta was getting good at telling because he was getting good at doing it. He just stood there watching her, straight and tall, like a puppet waiting for his strings to be pulled. That's all he was now, a coveted doll. Peeta Mellark was dead, he just looked like him slightly.

The air was too heavy in here. And Katniss was starting to get to the point where faking anything was going to end...badly. She only had so much patience for this.

"Excuse me gentleman, I need some air."

Giving them the smile she knew would get them all opening up their pocket books, she slipped away, bee lining it for the balcony. It was one of the few places there was usually privacy, in the dark corners. And the stars, at least, were the same as home.

The ones you could see, anyway.

There was only so many times someone could grab your ass before it got to you. Peeta had become very good at keeping himself under control in these situations, but even he had his breaking point. When his companion excused herself for a moment he ducked into the crowd and made his way to the balcony. He needed fresh air to clear his mind. He froze when he saw her, this wasn't good. he should run away, or pretend like he didn't know her. He knew that wasn't going to happen. He just stood slightly slack jawed looking at her, and how beautiful that dress made her.

The cool air felt nice, and Katniss felt a brief flicker of annoyance when she heard the door open, party sounds spilling out.

Still, this wasn't her balcony. it wasn't her space. And maybe they would leave her be. Glancing over to see if she recognized her company, she froze. The whole world froze.

She hadn't seen him, face to face, this close in...so long. Longer than she ever let herself think about. No words came to mind, no thoughts, nothing. All she could do was stare at him, the world small, the world him. She had no idea how she'd react if this happened, but this was not what she'd expected.

"Hi." Oh gad he spoke to her. What happened to ignoring her or acting like he didn't recognize her like he had planed so many times before. It just all went down the drain, washed to hell the moment he saw her. He didn't know what to do now. He couldn't have a conversation with her, what if someone saw? What if she said something hurtful or spiteful? Would he break down, would it hurt at all. The last option was the one that scared him the most. Oh well not much he could do now.

"Hi?"

All this, and he said hi? Like nothing at all had happened?

She didn't know if she wanted to punch him or melt in relief. She actually really didn't know much of anything right now.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Nothing, there was nothing to say at all, and if there was he couldn't find it. It had drained away with all the blood in his face. Ghosts of words fumbled from his lips as he fought to say anything, a pleasantry, an excuse, something. Instead he just stood there looking like statue, wishing to be an Avox. At least then he wouldn't have to worry about what to say now.

"Hi." Finally redundantly sputtered out and he was left feeling more stupid than he has ever felt in his life. Hi, again, what an asshole.

"Hi." She said, less of an accusation this time. Fumbling behind her, she locked her hands onto the railing of the balcony, not sure she would be able to hold her weight much longer.

When she spoke, the lock in her brain dissolved, and she went from nothing, to too many things to process at once. Kill Effie. Maybe Haymitch. And hell, Peeta too, since he was here. And had left.

He had left.

Her stomach twisted up again, and she managed to hold on to that. That slow, deep anger. Lifting her head, she looked over at him, composing herself.

"How are you?"

This was starting to become a conversation, and he could taste all the thing that begged to be said to her. The most prevalent was a three word phrase that would probably get him killed. Weather it would be by Snow or Katniss, he wasn't sure. Honestly it really didn't matter, it would be an end.

He couldn't answer her question, it would still kill him to lie to her to her face and she didn't want the truth. Instead he just shrugged and played like he was still choking on muddled sentences.

"You?" Was what he decided would be the least detrimental to both of them.

"Mentoring. You know. Like most victors do."

It was possibly unnecessarily catty. Well, maybe not possibly. And maybe not unnecessary.

But if she pissed him off maybe he'd walk away. He was good at doing that.

"I didn't want things to be uncomfortable for you." It was out before he could stop it. He shouldn't have said that. In fact, he should have said anything at all. He should have turned around and run the other way, now it was too late. Trapped like a rat pinned between a wall and a cat. A cat that looked like she was about to make a meal of his balls.

"..." She let out a scoffing little sound, eyebrow shooting up.

"You really think you being there or not makes a difference for how comfortable it is to help a pair of children get murdered?"

Cruel, but really, Peeta.

"That's a lie and you know it. I would rather you be able to focus on the kids completely. I've been helping in my own way." Peeta looked at the ground feeling the bile rise in the back of his throat.

He didn't want to get into what he was doing, but he was helping. In fact distric 12 was getting more sponsors then they ever had before.

She huffed again, grey eyes narrowing on his face.

"Oh, yeah I'm sure you've been so useful."

She knew where all that money came from. Peeta rubbing elbows with all his new Capitol buddies. It made her ill.

"I'm sorry." He said softly, not really knowing what else to say. He was sorry, he was sorry for everything. All he wanted was to go home with her and start a life together. That was something that could not, and would not ever happen.

"I don't know what else to say."

"Why would be a good start."

Except did she really want to know that? Especially here, in a public place? She knew Effie could get her out a back door if...something went wrong. But she didn't really want to do that.

Peeta looked at the ground in shame. He felt like a dog with its tail between its legs. What was he going to do, what would he say?

"I can't." It was quiet and full of shame, he was such slime. There was really no reason for her to not think so. She had to know what he was doing, how he was getting the money. It wasn't really a well kept secret that victors were made to do this.

"Yeah."

She leaned against the balcony, looking out over the glittering, glimmering city.

"I never expected this from you."

It was the truth, a solid as she could touch it right now.

"Neither did I." It was soft, almost a whisper. He never realized before that someone could literally feel their heart break.

He felt it when he looked at her eyes. He could tell how much what he did effected her. Goodness was so scarce in this world, it was easy to cling to it when you found it. It was a sign of hope.

"I wish I could explain." That was the worst thing to say. It was an invitation for probing, a sign there was something to explain.

She nearly snarled, and was taken aback by her own anger.

"You don't need to explain."

Why did it upset her so much? She had barely known him before the games, so why did it matter what he did after?

He was aware that her last comment left him looking like a scolded dog. It killed him that he hurt her, even if it was for the greater good. Even now he loved her more than he really understood.

His eyes were locked on the cement floor trying to create a hole for him to fall through so he could escape this moment.

"Obviously I do." He added softly automatically regretting it.

"Fine. Explain then."

She crossed her arms, staring over at him across the distance between them. No longer a scared teen, but a woman coming into herself. A woman who had gone through a lot.

He looked up at her mustering some sort of violence into his voice to insist that he couldn't explain. When his eyes met her it bled out of him quickly and quietly.

"You've gotten so beautiful." It was breathless and honest, and probably sounded like it was knocked out of him. He couldn't tell her why or he would be putting her in danger, but what it worth keeping silent for? She hated him now, because of what he had done, but she was alive. That was worth it enough.

"...are you fucking kidding me? You are one of them! I ask you for...for something like this, and you derail into mindless compliments?"

She moved forward, until they were almost nose to nose, glaring into his blue eyes.

"You are disgusting."

"I'm sorry." Peetas eyes were trained on the ground on. He couldn't meet her eyes any more, she was right. She wouldn't even understand why he had to do this, why he needed to do this.

It was all he could say, and it was true, he was sorry. Mostly that he hadn't eaten those berries before she could stop him.

"Yeah, you're sorry."

Maybe it wasn't fair, to be this angry at him. He didn't know. And maybe he knew enough to not care. That...some part of that was fair.

But he had seemed to be so much better than this.

He didn't want to see how much that hurt him. He couldn't let her see, it would just cause more problems. There was nothing he he could say that wouldn't just make things worse. He had gotten himself into a corner and he knew it. He kept his eyes on the ground hoping she would just walk away.

"That's it?"

Her anger was over riding her logic. All the long night sitting up with one of the babies, sick, they always seemed to be sick and unhappy. Watching him here, watching him happy while she sat at home, and she had her teeth in him now, and even thought she knew she should walk away, she couldn't.

"That's all you have to say to me? I thought we were in this together!"

You're such a fucking hypocrite, Everdeen. She heard a little voice, naggingly like Gale's, deep in her mind.

"Katniss I..." You what Peeta? Thought that she would just know you were doing this to protect her? Thought that stuttering incoherently like an idiot would get you anywhere. He felt like a complete moron, why he he even said anything in the first place.

He just stood there looking at her like he ad lost his mind. He felt like he couldn't remember how to move. He just prayed she didn't deck him.

"You're a liar, Mellark. You're a hypocrite! You abandoned us!" She started as soon as the word were out of her mouth, killing any chance to play 'us' off as District 12.

Shit. She didn't want to share them. Not with scum like him.

"Us?" He asked softly, what could she have meant by that? That's when it all clicked, he had been "allowed" to "accidently" see a picture of Katniss with two children, a dark haired girl and a blonde boy. He had just assumed them someone else's. Were they his, was Snow not only keeping him away from his love, but his children? He knew his face had fallen, that the loss of being able to raise his own children was weighting on his features, and he wasn't even sure that was the truth yet. He despratly hoped it wasn't.

What now?

She didn't want to share them with him. Dande and Rhy were hers. He had never been there for them, had chosen the easy life.

But she didn't want to lie.

So she walked away.

"Katniss please." No, he wouldn't cry, not in front of her. He should just let her walk away. then the thought that if he let her go he may never see her again. But what could he do? How could he make her understand.

"Please?" He was quiet and defeated. The boy with the bread was now just a fragment of a man. A pawn of the capitol completely.

God dammit.

He sounded like his son.

She stopped, and turned, glaring at him.

"What."

"You have to know I would never have left you on my own." That was his desperation talking. Unfortunately it was the worst possible thing he could have ever said.

He looked at Katniss with pleading eyes trying to make her understand without further explanation. He could get lucky, that little slip up could have gone unnoticed.

That froze her blood in her veins.

She looked up at him, eyes flat, trying to process what that meant.

"...what?"

"Nothing forget about it." He was a broken man and his voice revealed that fact. Telling her more would have dire consequences. With their children tangles up in this he couldn't risk it.

Meeting her eyes again he tried one last time to tell her he loved her with his expression. It was an impossible chance that she would figure it out. She hadn't noticed for the years he tried before they were both reaped.

Except now she was looking at him. Really looking at him for the first time in a long time.

At the exhausted bruises under his eyes. And the hollows in his cheeks. He looked older than her, a grown man. And she hadn't had an easy time herself.

"Peeta...." She walked forward, before stopping. Realizing that if he wasn't say anything.

"...I'll see you."

She understood now, he could tell. Her eyes changed so quickly that he could have probably pinpointed the exact moment it changed.

Which means she was in grave danger, they both were. As he moved away from her he wished with all of his heart that they we're not the ones being focused on at that moment. He knew he was he always was. Snow had to keep eyes on his investment at all times.

When the Peace Keepers appeared, he knew for sure, that wishes were bullshit.

She tried to keep her head down, to go back to the party, to forget. It could be picked apart later, in bed, when everything was quiet and she could let go.

But her pathway was blocked before she could even get there.

"Excuse me..." She said, starting to back up. Back towards Peeta. This couldn't...it couldn't happen. not anymore, not now.

A curt moment of horror washed over him as the Peace Keepers closed the door just short of Katniss crossing the threshold. He hoped she didn't see it briefly, wanting to appear stronger than he was.

"I'm sorry." There were so many things he was sorry for at this moment, he was hoping his tone conveyed that.

She glanced back, not sure what he was apologizing for.

Could this have been a plan all along? No. She couldn't believe that...but right now she was too confused about everything.

"I need to get back to the party." She tried to play the aloof victor, raising her head high. But one glance said that wasn't going to fly.

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

It's been awhile since I couldn't look at myself straight

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject